I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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