So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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