Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize