The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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