So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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