Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
