I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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