does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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