Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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