so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
