I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
