Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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