She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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