just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
