My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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