someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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