its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
