i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
