Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
