The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
