is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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