i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
