I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
