It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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