I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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