Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
