Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
