He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
