I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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