Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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