What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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