i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
