I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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