I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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