im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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