my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
