I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize