you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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