There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
