The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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