Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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