Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
