i think i have herpe
just one?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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