The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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