Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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