The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
