It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
