you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
