Im at strip club and am horny
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
