I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
