I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
