Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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