if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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