Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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