I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
