I think my fart just growled at me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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