Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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