Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
