yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
