I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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